Cella's Sweets

Cakes, cheesecakes and more

My Red Velvet Adventure

The following is rated PG for overall general frustratedness and mild peril.

Ok, so it has been two weeks since I last blogged about my baking idea, and in those two weeks I have been doing a lot of thinking. You see, the tasting revealed I had no idea how to make a Red Velvet Cake. I mean, it looked the part, being extremely red and complete with the white frosting, but the taste was not up to par with other desserts I have made. So I took a journey, a quest of sorts to create a Red Velvet Cake worthy of accolades such as, “Wow, that’s a good Red Velvet Cake,” and “Can I have some more please?” So here is my tale.

Our story begins in a small town called Gaffney. Now Gaffney is known for two things, outlet shopping, and a giant peach; grocery stores is not one of them. In the land of Gaffney the townsfolk cried out “We need a Red Velvet Cake!” So our hero, (that’s what I’m going to refer to myself as, because, well lets face it, this is my blog and if I want to be a hero I will be. If you have a problem with that you can start your own blog and write about it, but then I wouldn’t read that blog, so it wouldn’t affect me anyway.)

Our hero mounted his trusty steed named Honda Civic and headed to the wastelands known as Ingles. Here he found only half of the ingredients he needed, because… it’s Ingles. He traveled further to the land of Wal Mart to visit the merchants at this location. You see, our hero isn’t a big fan of shopping at Wal Mart since every thing he needs in the rear of the store and of course there are only two of 40 lanes open. Sir Joshua, (yep, I knighted myself too) braved the vastness of Wal Mart, bartered with the locals, slew a dragon and rode the lands back to his humble abode. It is there he slaved a fortnight (in this story a fortnight is about 6 hours, I really took my time.) mixing, and stirring and adding potions and ingredients until his hands bled (Ok, they didn’t really bleed, it was the red food coloring from the cake, that stuff got everywhere: all over my hands, the counter and even on the rug in the kitchen, we needed a new one anyway.) At last, the Valiant Sir Joshua removed the cake from the oven iced it down with his proven Cream Cheese Icing and presented it to the king.

A calm fell over the towns folk as the king took a bite. “Too dry,” he proclaimed. This really crushed the handsome, Valiant Sir Joshua, but giving up was not an option. He consulted many wise men and magicians. He sat at the feet of many philosophers to ascertain wisdom on the Red Velvet Cake matter. You have heard of Paula Dean, Bobby Flay, Martha Stewart; all fools in the eyes of our hero, he did however combine the teaching of such food magicians and came up with his own recipe. A recipe so divine, its contents must be shared with the world, so here it is.
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The brave and handsome Valiant Sir Joshua of Columbus offered his creation to the king. Again the towns people looked on in wonderment as the king sampled our hero’s creation. His eyes lit up as he savored the bite. “Scrumptious!” he proclaimed as he took another bite. “Ahh, delectable, as was the first,” he shouted with cake in his mouth. The towns folk cheered with glee and excitement, for no longer will they live in a realm where the Red Velvet Cake is dry. No longer will women and children search for a glass of milk to dip their cake into. No more will tyranny reign down on the Gaffneyites. No, from now on, moist cake will grace the lips of every citizen in Gaffney (who possesses $4.95 for a slice.)

Sorry about that, Marcella was on my blog again.
Here is what really happened.
I made a Red Velvet Cake and it was dry. I made another one and it was dry. I made a third one that was ok. I got red food coloring all over the place. My fourth recipe ,which was actually a Paula Dean recipe that I “fixed,” was phenomenal. Now, wasn’t the other version better?
The cake at the top was the final result of a Red Velvet Cake I made for a friends baby shower. Four layers of Red Velvet goodness. Unfortunately I don’t have any pictures once it was cut into. This week I am working on Biscotti, German Chocolate Cake, and various pound cakes.

September 16, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. I have to say that I am the friend who was so honored to have Valiant Sir Joshua make the cake for my baby shower. The cake presentation was beautiful. Josh did a wonderful job on the flowers and decor. I was so impressed! The cake taste was phenomenal! Everyone raved over the taste of the cake and the icing was just divine. Red Velvet Cake is my absolute favorite and it was the best tasting Red Velvet I have ever eaten. I feel privileged to have had Valiant Sir Joshua bake the cake for such a special celebration in my life. I highly recommend his culinary skills and commend him on not giving up and coming up with the perfect Red Velvet Cake. Josh…thanks so much! It truly was delicious.

    Comment by Jennifer | September 16, 2009 | Reply

  2. This was really funny Josh! I like your writing style:)

    Comment by Caught RED Handed | December 12, 2009 | Reply

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